I want my NFL Network

Dear Santa, 

Please give me the NFL Network for Christmas. This is the only thing I want. You see, those grinches at Time Warner Cable are preventing me from seeing it. But I have been really good this year, and think I deserve the NFL Network in my stocking.

Now, Santa, I don’t really need the NFL Network. No, not at all. I’ve followed the NFL quite well this season. Three of my four fantasy football teams made the playoffs. The fourth one lost out due to a tiebreaker. I am also still alive in my NFL survivor pool with just two weeks left. Not having the NFL Network hasn’t hurt me in terms of making my picks. I’ve even been able to see every Browns game this year, even the one where they beat the Steelers on the NFL Network. You see, if you live in the city of one of the teams playing a game on the NFL Network the game will be broadcast on one of your local television stations. So even though I really, really tried I wasn’t able to miss a single Browns broadcast this year. I can even see good portions of most of the games the NFL Network broadcasts by logging into NFL.com. 

So I’ve been blessed, Santa. And Time Warner Cable gives me so much as well. They give me the Hollywood Celebrity Products channel, the ShopNBC channel, Chiller (they got Friday the 13^th: The Series on there), SoapNet (despite just about every current soap opera getting canceled), and FitTV. My stocking is stuffed with television channels, Santa. I get the MLB Network and NBATV, no problem. But not the one I really want! 

I know I don’t really need the NFL Network, Santa. But the league has done a masterful job of making me feel left out. Rich Eisen keeps sending me tweets about the things he’s doing on that channel, like popping balloons of whatever team he deems is out of the playoffs. They have this thing called The Red Zone Channel which apparently would put me into a sugar coma if I were ever able to watch it. And what am I going to do without the NFL Network after watching football all day long on Thanksgiving? I won’t be able to watch football all night long. 

It’s like high-school gym class, Santa. Most people don’t want to be the first one picked, but no one wants to be the last one picked. That’s how I feel without the NFL Network. Like I’ve been picked last in gym class. 

Look at all what I’m missing, Santa. Just this morning they had the Football Follies on. And tomorrow they’re going to have this show where they put microphones all over the field and then you get to hear all the stuff the players and coaches and refs say on the sidelines. And next Tuesday? They’re going to pick the Pro Bowl players. The last two years Ryan Pontbriand of the Browns made the Pro Bowl as a long-snapper, and I didn’t find out about for at least an hour after it happened. 

Santa, I can’t help but look ahead. In the distant future, when I’m old and retired, the Browns might have a really good team. They’ll probably have a game on the NFL Network late in the season when they’re playing for a playoff spot. When that happens I’ll most certainly be retired to Florida or Arizona and be saddled with a cable provider sans the NFL Network. There’s no way I’ll be able to watch that awesome Browns team in my old age. Think of the elderly, Santa. What about the elderly? 

So please, Santa, I know you’ve made your rounds already. But it’s still Christmas Day. And really I can probably live without the channel til the end of this season. (I mean the playoff games are all going to be on channels I get, and so is the Super Bowl.) You can tuck this away til next year, Santa. Just not til next Christmas. See what you can do between now and kickoff next September. 

Love, 

God Hates Cleveland Sports

If it’s Z, it’s for me

There’s a beer commercial making the rounds right now where a young woman plays a vapid game of “Would You Rather?” with her date. She posits herself dangling off a cliff with other things presumably important to the man, asking him each time which one he would save. Whenever he gives the answer she wants to hear she makes googly eyes like a 5-year-old on Christmas morning.  

WOMAN: “Me and Buster. Which one would you save first?” (The man’s dog Buster looks on stupidly.)
MAN: “Easy. You.” (Buster’s ears perk up as if he knows he’s just been thrown off the cliff.)
WOMAN: “Me and your mom?”
MAN: “Sorry, Mom!” 

 Then comes the real test.  

WOMAN: “Me, or your Miller Lite.”
MAN: “Uh, how high is the cliff?” 

The woman storms off. The man commiserates with his beer and Buster, who just a moment before he was willing to throw off the cliff for the googly-eyed girl. Lesson? Either that Bud Light is more precious than human life or men are the dumbest creatures in the world.    

Which brings us to this quandary — would you rather have Zydrunas Ilgauskas or an NBA championship?

At least some think that’s the quandary.

See, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Keeping Z does not guarantee the Cavs will fall short of the NBA title. Conversely, trading Z does not guarantee LeBron James and company will parade the Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy through downtown Cleveland in June.

But you’d think that’s the choice. Googly-eyed fans are asking the Cavs if they’d rather stay loyal to their most tenured player in history or throw him off the cliff to get that NBA title. Many have convinced themselves that’s the route the Cavs must take to win it all and keep LeBron James here until he retires.

Here’s the reality. Cleveland Cavalier fans should be heartbroken if Zydrunas Ilgauskas is traded.

Cleveland is a town of blue-collar values which regards loyalty as a virtue. Cleveland fans have made a cottage industry out of their anger over the disloyalty shown by Albert Belle, Jim Thome, Manny Ramirez, and Carlos Boozer. Heck, if LeBron himself were a politician there would have been a recall effort after he showed his disloyalty by wearing a Yankees hat to an Indians playoff game. After all that, what hypocrites Cleveland sports fans would be if we willingly went along with a plan to trade away the Cavs longest-tenured player in pursuit of an NBA title.

There’s no one embodies class and grace and blue-collar effort and what Cleveland sports fans stand for more than Zydrunas Ilgauskas. There should be a reward for that.

Seriously, trade Z’s expiring contract for a crackpot like Stephen Jackson, who sabotaged his own team after being named captain? Reward THAT type of behavior? The idea was an insult. 

And this is all before his 25-point, back-to-back-to-back 3-pointers in overtime against the Sacramento Kings in a 117-104 victory Wednesday night. That just shows the guy can still play a little. 

Just remember whom LeBron went to bat for a month ago by speaking out against coach Mike Brown. When Ilgauskas was shafted on the night he was set to break the Cavs all-time games-played record, the league’s best player spoke up for him. That’s the kind of loyalty Z inspires. That’s the kind of loyalty Z has earned. 

Ilgauskas didn’t complain when the Cavs wouldn’t let him play for Lithuania in the 2008 Olympics. Ilgauskas didn’t complain when the team traded for Shaquille O’Neal and relegated Z to a backup role. He barely even complained when he missed out on a chance to celebrate his games-played achievement. (At least not in public.)

There is room for loyalty in sports. Especially when the player still contributes as Z does. So far this season he’s averaging 7.9 points and 5.7 rebounds per game. Those numbers are down off his career totals, but he’s had to adjust to a new role of coming off the bench. His averages are slightly better as a starter this year (8.8 points, 7 rebounds per game). Compare those stats to those of his replacement, Shaq: 10.2 points, 7 rebounds per game. Shaq hasn’t been significantly better.

This isn’t to say that Z is the player he once was and is just hampered by his new role. He’s clearly declined. The days of 14 and nine just two seasons ago are long gone. But he still has value. That value is a lot more than his expiring contract which teams love to trade for in these days of economic hard times in the NBA.

There’s plenty of other creative options for trading. J.J. Hickson? You’re a fine young player and good guy, but you’re expendable. Bend the rules in a sign-and-trade of Wally Szczerbiak’s mending knee? Do it tomorrow. Cut bait on Shaq? We can still follow him on Twitter.

But the googly-eyed “Would You Rather?” questions regarding Z need to stop. We all know that sports are a business. Except that sometimes they’re not. Imagine celebrating winning an NBA title with a parade down Euclid Avenue and Z holding the trophy over his head, 10 feet in the air, as high as a basketball rim. A title WITH Z can be won. Zydrunas Ilgauskas should not be thrown off the cliff so that all the rest of us can have a better chance to get to the finish line. If that trophy storms off in a huff, so be it.

Who WERE these guys?

Please visit TheClevelandFan.com for my look at the most irrelevant QBs in the history of the Browns/Steelers rivalry!

Steel hurtin’

 

There’s only one thing better than the Browns beating the Pittsburgh Steelers when they’re the best team in the league — beating them when the Browns are the worst team in the league.

Thursday’s night’s thrilling, shocking, improbable, inconceivable, chances-are-slim-and-none-and-slim-just-left 13-6 victory over the defending Super Bowl champs looks even better in the bright light of day than it did in the dark and cold of night. Sure, it might be the only good moment of the worst Browns season ever. Sure, Browns fans don’t have much good to remember from this dismal season. Sure, it would be an incredible feeling to someday knock off the Steelers when both teams are as good as they can be, maybe in an AFC Championship game.

To get this victory as perhaps the league’s worst team has lead to an all-time meltdown from Pittsburgh fans and media alike. If the Browns were to beat the Steelers for the division title, or in a playoff game, or even with the Super Bowl on the line, no one whose ever said “yinz” would be happy. They’d probably begrudgingly accept the loss and point to their six Super Bowl rings.

But this victory, with a team that allowed 38 points to the Detroit Lions and the guy who scored the game’s only touchdown playing for the practice squad a month ago and the Montreal Alouettes of the Canadian Football League a year ago? Not since Ben Roethlisberger drove his motorcycle into a woman’s windshield has Pittsburgh been in such an uproar.

“Losers,” Ron Cook of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette calls them. That’s the thanks Hines Ward gets when he toughs it out and can gain only 21 yards receiving against the Browns. “The most embarrassing performance in franchise history,” wrote his colleague Bob Smizik about a franchise that lost 51-0 to the Browns in the 1989 season opener and took nine years from its inception to post a winning season. Post-Gazette beat writer Ed Bouchette starts his game story by writing that, “the Steelers season sailed into darkness.”

You’ve got writers saying that Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, who guided them to a Super Bowl win in his second year, has given up on the season. You’ve got posts on the Steelers official team message board entitled, “Did the Team Quit?” and “Mike Tomlin in denial?” and, of course, “*** FIRE TOMLIN ***”. Because, you know, Bill Cowher and Chuck Noll won Super Bowls their first 10 seasons with the team and then single-handedly built the bridges that span the three rivers that meet in downtown Pittsburgh.

Of course becoming the first Super Bowl champion in more than 20 years to lose to a team with as bad a record as the Browns will do that to you. So will losing to the Kansas City Chiefs and Oakland Raiders. And becoming just the second defending Super Bowl champion to lose five straight games could send a deluded fan base over the edge.

Funny thing is, Steeler Nation actually thinks it’s hit rock bottom. That’s why it’s so much more fun that the Browns are the worst team in the league when they beat the Steelers rather than the best team. The rabid Steeler nutcases think that winning the Super Bowl twice in four years, then losing for a month means the team needs to be dismantled.

Hey, Pittsburgh, give us a call when you’ve had to start guys like Spergon Wynn and Charlie Frye and Doug Pederson as quarterback against the Browns. Give us a call when you go close to a year without an offensive touchdown. Give us a call when your team moves away, comes back, and gives you a decade of fruitless football.

Until then we’ll be happy to think of Thursday’s night’s absolutely thrilling, fantastic, wonderful, so good, very awesome victory over your Steelers as our personal Super Bowl. After all, you were the defending Super Bowl champions. Now all you are is worse than the Browns.

Grady’s mug shot

 

The Cleveland sports scene finally got one right — it’s Grady Sizemore who’s naked all over the Internet.

Just imagine Cleveland sports as a high-school gym class. The gym teacher chooses two captains and everyone waits to see who gets picked first and who gets picked last. But imagine the game the class is dividing up for teams that day is “Let’s Take a Naked Self-Portrait and Email it To Someone.” Who do you think the top pick would be? That’s right, Grady Sizemore. Or maybe the No. 2 pick, after Brady Quinn.

Grady and Brady, those are the two Cleveland sports figures that people want to see naked. At least Austin Powers naked, with a strategically placed mug the only thing in the way. We got our top pick out there. Even Indians general manager Mark Shapiro knew the importance of this moment:

“I have not seen the pictures,” Shapiro told The Plain Dealer, “but I will look into it.”

Of course you will, Mark. Just like everyone else “will look into it.”

So give yourself a round of applause, Cleveland. You’re represented well by Grady’s self-shots. We all know that not every professional athlete looks great in uniform, much less out of it. Cleveland’s got its fair share of those.

Just think of all the Cleveland sports figures who could’ve been naked. Who would be Cleveland sports’ Top Gym Class Picks You DON’T Want to See Naked On The Internet? Here’s our first team:  

1) Shaun Rogers

When 6-foot-4 Shaun Rogers was with the Detroit Lions he weighed more than 400 pounds. He’s since slimmed down to a listed 350 pounds as a Brown, though he most certainly weighs more. Rogers is the biggest Brown of them all. Based on the team roster he’s 20 pounds heavier than Ahtyba Rubin, the next heaviest man on the Browns.  

So while Rogers is as big as they get and no one wants to piss him off by saying he’s the top pick in the please-keep-your-clothes-on draft, really Shaun, please keep your clothes on. Or at least keep the cameras away when your clothes are off. We really don’t need to see what size coffee mug you need.

2) Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Ilgauskas is about to set the Cavs record for most games played in a career. No one wants him to break Grady’s record for most naked pictures taken with a coffee mug. Ilgauskas might be tall, but kinda looks like a round, tall fencepost. No one’s saying Z’s not in shape. He’s just not the type of guy anyone imagines naked (or so I’m told).

Seeing a naked picture of Zydrunas would be like walking in on your uncle as he stepped out of the shower. You like your uncle and all, you think he’s cool and you might like to grow up to be just like him. But no one wants to see their uncle naked. Or Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

3) Jhonny Peralta

Poor Jhonny Peralta. The guys’ averaged 18 home runs and 78 RBI per year since becoming a full-timer yet nobody likes him. He drew more criticism than anyone on the Indians last season other than Eric Wedge, and he never complains.

He does pout a lot, though. With his baby face and slight double chin he looks like he’s in pain during half his at-bats. His uniform doesn’t fit quite right and he’s probably yet to be introduced to a treadmill. All this adds up to not only Cleveland’s least favorite Indian heading into 2010, but also Cleveland’s least favorite naked Indian. Keep your balls on the field, Jhonny.

4) Phil Dawson

Phil Dawson might be the most fit guy in Cleveland sports. Maybe he eats egg whites and peanut butter for snacks, healthy fish and chicken for dinner, and never eats bacon for breakfast. He might do yoga and Pilates on a daily basis. None of this matters.

He’s a kicker.  Alex Karras ruined it for kickers 30 years ago when he described them as foreigners who could barely speak English and didn’t know the rules. He imitated a fictional kicker by saying, “Hooray, I keek touchdown.” Forever after, kickers have not been thought of as athletes. 

So Phil Dawson, you might be the only kicker the new Browns have ever known. You might be one of the best Browns we’ve had. You might be the nicest guy and look really good out of a jock strap. No one wants to see it. You’re a kicker. You could probably grow a really good porn stache, but you’re a kicker. Keep your goal post hidden.

5) Shaquille O’Neal

Shaquille O’Neal is gigantic. Humongous. Gargantuan. He weighs just about as much as Shaun Rogers (325 pounds listed weight) and is almost as tall as Zydrunas Ilgauskas (7-foot-1). He is as big as his own Fathead. He is just a big, big, big, big man.

Shaq is also always sweaty. Sitting under a 60-watt light bulb makes Shaq sweat.  It would be scary to look at a naked, sweaty Shaq self-portrait. First of all, would he even be able to fit himself in a mirror? If he were taking his own picture in Grady Sizemore’s bathroom Shaq would have to bend over. The room is too small for him. If you saw Shaq naked and sweaty it would be like looking at the sun without sunglasses. It might be quite an impressive sight, but there’s no question that your eyes would just melt right into your head and you’d be blinded for life.

Please, Shaq, for our sakes, keep your naked, sweaty self to yourself.

If anyone out there runs into Grady Sizemore anytime soon, thank him on behalf of God Hates Cleveland Sports. Thank him on behalf of your wife or girlfriend or sister. Thank him on behalf of Cleveland sports fans everywhere. Because just think about who it might have been, and shudder.

Thanks for the memories

 

Believe it or not, there’s plenty to be thankful for this Thanksgiving Day when it comes to Cleveland sports. Don’t believe it? Well, we’ve got LeBron James. For now. How can a Cleveland sports fan not be thankful for the reigning NBA MVP? It’s a nightly highlight show with the league’s best player, a veritable did-that-just-happen fest each time he takes the court. 

And the Cavs are a pretty good team, too.So we’ve got that going for us. Beyond LeBron James, what do we have to be thankful for?

Well, we’ve got … um … errrrrrr … uh … well, there’s the Cleveland Browns faux Snuggies. That’s really cool. Progressive Field hasn’t been foreclosed upon or caught on fire like many of the vacant houses around Cleveland. No one has died on the field in any Indians, Browns, or Cavs game this year. Everyone’s thankful for that.Really, we do have a few more things to be thankful for around Cleveland. Consider …

* Thank you to the New York Knicks and New Jersey Nets for being so awful that the movie 2012 looks like an Oscar winner next to them. Before the season these two teams were considered the leading suitors for LeBron’s services simply because they call Gotham their home. Now, at 3-27 combined (all three wins by the Knicks, one over the Nets) they’re just a couple of dogs whose owners should put them down. * Thank you to to the Lake Catholic Cougars, Maple Heights Mustangs, and Glenville Tarblooders. If not for your semifinal runs in the state football playoffs, we would have nothing but the Browns to look at when it came to football in Cleveland this year.

* Thank you to Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow Jr.. They’re nowhere near Cleveland anymore, but they’re still being heard loud and clear on the shores of Lake Erie. And here’s what we’re hearing: 2-15. That’s the combined record of the New York Jets and Tampa Bay Buccaneers with these two ex-Browns. The Jets were 3-0 when Edwards joined them. They’ve gone 1-6 since, same as the Browns sans Edwards. You hear about addition by subtraction all the time, but the formula for subtraction by addition = Braylon Edwards + Kellen Winslow Jr. 

* Thank you to the Indians for being as rotten as they were. If they were simply mediocre or merely average, there wouldn’t have been hundreds of empty seats right behind home plate. And thanks to the Cleveland Clinic for subsidizing the Indians by giving away tickets all throughout August and September. Not very many people will be able to sit 30 yards from home plate for free when there’s a good team on the field!*

* Thank you to Eric Mangini. No, really. The Browns might be unwatchable, but their coach is must-see TV. He might only be here for a year but he’s already left a trail of wreckage that would make any tornado jealous. There’s the trades of Kellen Winslow, Braylon Edwards, and the Browns first-round pick that have left us with center Alex Mack and an Internet full of message-board threats and diatrbies. There’s the $1,701 he imposed on one of his players for not paying for a $3 bottle of water from a hotel. There’s the shoulder injury rookie running back James Davis suffered during a practice drill that drew an investigation from the NFL. There’s the sacking of general manager and most likely former Mangini friend George Kokinis that provided more drama than the best arc of Gray’s Anatomy. There’s the low-scoring offense that makes first downs feel like climbing to the top of Mt. Everest. There’s the accusations that the Detroit Lions faked injuries during their victory last weekend, and the ensuing apology. If you made any of this stuff up you’d be sent to the loony bin.

* Thanks to Mark Shapiro. That one’s from Philadelphia Phillies fans. And New York Yankees fans. And Boston Red Sox fans.* Thanks to Dan Gilbert. He’s built a first-class organization around LeBron James and now he’s got a casino coming right next door to The Q. (This thanks contingent upon LeBron’s free-agency decision next summer.) * Thanks to you, the fans. Without any of you, none of these teams would be able to present half the garbage they’ve shoveled down your throats this year. The Indians should stop with the bobblehead giveaways and go with anti-depressant medicine for the first 15,000 fans to any home game next season. The Browns could just concentrate on a touchdown as a giveaway at their next home game. Cavs — well, you’re doing OK. Just give us a lifetime contract for LeBron, we’ll be happy.

 

We’re not Detroit! Dammit

 

 

You thought the Browns could beat the Detroit Lions, didn’t you? They could AT LEAST beat the Lions, who generally look like they all just learned what a football was a year ago. After all this is a team that came into the game with one win in its last 26 tries.

You thought the Browns could hold a three-touchdown lead against the Detroit Lions, didn’t you? After all, this is a Lions team that had scored as many as three touchdowns in just two games this season and had scored more than 23 just twice in the last season and a half. Up 24-3 in the first quarter, you were feeling really good weren’t you? Admit it. You actually felt confident during a Browns game.

You thought scoring a franchise-record 24 points in the first quarter would be enough, didn’t you? A franchise record for points from a team that, coming into the game, was on pace for setting an NFL record for fewest points in a season should be more than enough to beat the Lions, right? Right??

You thought the Browns could prevent the Lions from driving 88 yards with no timeouts in the final 1:46 of the game, didn’t you? This wasn’t exactly Peyton Manning at the helm for the Lions. It was a rookie playing his eighth game. What rookie playing his eighth game not named Peyton Manning could drive nearly 90 yards for a winning touchdown? Heck, what veteran not named Peyton Manning could lead this kind of game-winning drive? It certainly wouldn’t be someone with a silhouette of a Lion on his helmet. No chance.

You thought the Browns could defense a Hail Mary pass on the game’s final play, didn’t you? Who wins on a Hail Mary pass anymore? Better yet, who commits pass interference on a Hail Mary pass? (Hank Poteat, put your hand down.)

You thought all this even though you’re a Cleveland sports fan, didn’t you? You sat and stared in disbelief as Matthew Stafford, that rookie Lions quarterback, threw a 1-yard touchdown pass to fellow rookie tight end Brandon Pettigrew on an untimed down to tie the game didn’t you?  You put your head into your hands and groaned when Jason Hanson nailed the extra point on the final play of the game for a 38-37 Lions victory, didn’t you?

You did all this despite being a Cleveland sports fan and knowing the types of things that befall Cleveland sports fans, didn’t you?

What’s wrong with you?

You should know that only a Cleveland team could disappoint so greatly while falling to 1-9.

You should know that only a Cleveland team could allow the youngest quarterback to throw for a record-setting five touchdowns. Yes, Stafford surpassed Dan Marino and Joe Namath with his last-play touchdown pass.

You should know that only a Cleveland team could erase all the good feelings of Brady Quinn’s breakout four-touchdown, 300-yard game.

You should know that only a Cleveland team could score almost half as many points in one game as it had all season and still not score enough points to win a game.

You should know that only a Cleveland team would do this to you.

Cleveland — we’re not Detroit. Dammit.

Are you ready for some bad football?

 

Believe it or not, you won’t be watching the worst game in Cleveland Browns history today when the team hits the road to face the Detroit Lions.

No, sports fans, that game comes later in the year when the Oakland Raiders visit town.

But you can certainly place today’s game in the Top 5 of worst Browns matchups of all time, and that’s without even knowing the outcome. A scientific study conducted by a crack panel of GHCS researchers has determined that today’s game at Ford Field indeed reeks, errr, ranks among the most horrible endurance tests Browns fans have ever faced. We’ve looked at the combined records of each team in all Browns matchups throughout history. We discarded games early in the season, which means the 0-4 vs. 0-4 Browns/Bengals matchup of 1999 and the pathetic 6-3 Browns win over the Bills earlier this year did not make the list.

The 1-8 Browns against the 1-8 Lions. Not only are the Browns just completely awful, they can’t score. Watching them try to creep downfield using a bundle of screen passes and 3-yard outs is like watching folks in a nursing home shuffle down the hall to lunch using their walkers. At least those people get somewhere eventually. The Browns just get to punt over and over again. That is, if one of Brady Quinn’s or Derek Anderson’s passes doesn’t bounce off another Brown and into the hands of a defender. The Browns’ 78 points through nine games have them on pace for the lowest total in NFL history. Meanwhile the Lions have won just one of their last 26 games. That one wasn’t even against the Browns. (Or the Bills, the only team the Browns have beaten since the middle of last season. No wonder they just fired their coach.) At least the Lions can score a little bit, as they average 15.9 points per game. That’s better than six other teams. Their worst-in-the-league defense usually does them in. Teams score nearly 30 points a game against the Lions. You’d think even the Browns could get a touchdown or two in Detroit today.

Yea, you’d think.

You’re better off just thinking you’re about to watch one of the worst games in Cleveland Browns history … even though the actual worst one is coming as a Christmas present. When the Raiders visit on Dec. 27 they could be 2-12 and the Browns could be 1-13. And even if they aren’t, they should be. If the Browns don’t win today there’s no one between now and then that they should beat. Same with the Raiders.

So let’s find out just where today’s matchup ranks in Browns history against their biggest dog games of all time. Here’s the worst matchups in Browns history, with each team’s record heading into the game and the teams’ combined winning percentage:

7. 2008: BENGALS 14, BROWNS 0
Browns: 4-10
Bengtals: 2-11-1
Combined winning percentage: .232

And to think, this game was played less than a year ago. All the promise from 2007 had been thoroughly dashed as the Browns had played four straight games without an offensive touchdown. This became the fifth. There was no end in sight, as this year attests.

Poor Jamal Lewis actually called 2008 his, “worst season ever” after the game. You can call him anything you want, but don’t call him a psychic. He obviously had no idea what lay ahead. Quarterbacks in this game: Ken Dorsey and Bruce Gradkowski for the Browns (four combined interceptions), Ryan Fitzpatrick for the Bengals. You won’t see Fatheads of them on anyone’s bedroom wall.

6.1999: BENGALS 44, BROWNS 28
Browns: 2-11
Bengals: 4-10
Combined winning percentage: .222

Hey, look, the Browns and Bengals stink in Week 15 again! Well, no one could be too upset about any bad matchups in 1999. At least the Browns were back in town. If we knew what we were in for the next 10 years we might not have been so excited.

Some words used by Browns players to describe this game after Corey Dillon ran for 168 yards, the second-highest total in the NFL to that point of the season: “ridiculous” (defensive end Derrick Alexander), “embarrasment” (linebacker Wali Ranier), “ugly” (safety Corey Fuller), and “poor” (linebacker Jamir Miller).

Ten years later and we’re still using the same words after every Browns game.

5. 2004: DOLPHINS 10, BROWNS 7
Browns: 3-11
Dolphins: 3-11
Combined winning percentage: .214

This might not have been the worst matchup by combined winning percentage of all Browns games, but it could very well be a nominee for worst Browns game ever played.

On ESPN’s Sunday Night Football these teams bored the hell out of everyone watching for three hours before Olindo Mare kicked a 51-yard field goal with seven seconds left to win it. It tied the Browns’ longest single-season losing streak in history at nine. One “highlight” — Lee Suggs carried a franchise-high 38 times, beating out Jim Brown’s record by one. Seriously, Lee Suggs has a record over Jim Brown? Here’s someone who didn’t set any records — Browns quarterback Luke McCown. Yes, this guy actually played quarterback for awhile for the Browns.

In typical Browns fashion they couldn’t even take advantage of the loss. The Browns won the next week while the Dolphins lost, giving Miami the second pick of the draft and pushing the Browns to third. The Dolphins took Ronnie Brown while the Browns took Braylon Edwards. But at least the Browns took Charlie Frye in round three!

4. 1990: BROWNS 13, FALCONS 10
Browns: 2-11
Falcons: 3-10
Combined winning percentage: .192

A completely unmemorable game. The Falcons used Scott Campbell and Hugh Millen to play quarterback. The Browns countered with the broken-down remnants of the late-1980s teams. Bernie Kosar, Frank Minnifield, Michael Dean Perry, Reggie Langhorne, Kevin Mack, Ozzie Newsome, Clay Matthews, and Webster Slaughter. But the calendar had turned on that group as the Browns neared their worst record in franchise history up to that time.

3. 1975: BROWNS 17, SAINTS 16
Browns: 1-9
Saints: 2-8
Combined winning percentage: .150

No one was very excited about this game to begin with. Only 44,753 showed up in old Cleveland Municipal Stadium. It lived up to the nonhype by the Browns winning thanks to a missed extra-point thanks to a poor center snap.

At least there was promise for the future as Brian Sipe, Reggie Rucker, and Greg Pruitt were all on the team. Mike Phipps played quarterback over Sipe in this game, but that trio helped lead the Browns to a winning season in 1976. Rest assured that no such turnaround lies ahead for this year’s Browns.

2. 2009: BROWNS @ LIONS
Browns: 1-8
Lions: 1-8
Combined winning percentage: .111

Here it is! Today’s matchup — second-worst all time based on winning percentage of any Browns game. It’s going to hold on to this spot as well even if neither the Browns nor Raiders win a game before their Week 16 matchup two days after Christmas. If the Browns are 1-13 in that game and the Raiders are 2-12, their combined winning percentage will be .115. That game cannot pass this game for worst matchup. It will pass this one for worst game, which is an entirely different story.

Just feel fortunate for all those who live in Northwest Ohio or within 60 miles of Detroit. The game will be blacked out and they can watch the Indianapolis Colts play the Baltimore Ravens.

1. 1999: BROWNS 21, SAINTS 16
Browns: 0-7
Saints: 1-6
combined winning percentage: .077

And here it is, the worst Cleveland Browns matchup of all time. Congratulations to the Saints, who tie the Bengals by making it onto this list twice.

It’s fitting that the Browns would win their worst matchup of all time. This is the one where Tim Couch hit Kevin Johnson with a Hail Mary pass on the last play, giving the new Cleveland Browns their first victory.

The excitement has sure carried over for the next decade, hasn’t it?

Quinn or lose?

Congratulations to Brady Quinn on becoming the worst quarterback named Brady or named Quinn to start a game in NFL history.

This is based on the records of all starting quarterbacks who share one of Brady Quinn’s two first (or last names). There’s been only one Brady Quinn to play in the NFL, but there’s been a few guys named either Brady or Quinn who have taken snaps behind center. Our own Brady Quinn is now at the bottom of that illustrious list with a 1-6 career record as a starter. And that one? It took a career-long 56-yard field goal from Phil Dawson with 1:39 to go followed by a miss by Buffalo kicker Rian Lindell in the final seconds to win 29-27 on Monday Night Football last year. And Quinn completed only 38% of his passes for 185 yards in that game.

Yeah, Brady Quinn probably wasn’t the difference.

Who are the other Bradys and the other Quinns that have started at quarterback in the NFL? Glad you asked. One you most certainly know …

• Tom Brady: 93-27
• Quinn Gray: 2-2
• Jonathan Quinn: 1-5
• Mike Quinn: never started
• Pat Brady: never started
• Brady Quinn: 1-6

Tom Brady, you know. He’s the three-time Super Bowl champion and sometimes male model quarterback of the New England Patriots. He’s the best Brady to ever play football and probably the best known Brady who isn’t a member of The Brady Bunch.

Quinn Gray served as a backup for the Jacksonville Jaguars and Kansas City Chiefs from 2005-08. He is now playing for the New York Sentinels of the United Football League. They are 0-4, so maybe he is worse than Brady Quinn. But since Quinn Gray won a couple games for the Jags in 2007, he ranks higher than Brady Quinn on this list.

Jonathan Quinn was the worst Brady or Quinn other than Brady Quinn until Monday night. Coincidentally, he played for the Jags as well. He served as a Jacksonville backup from 1998-2001, going 1-2 as a starter. He did not play for the Kansas City Chiefs in 2002, then started three times for the Chicago Bears in 2004. He lost all three of those games, ending his NFL career. Jonathan Quinn now coaches a high-school football team in the Kansas City area. It made the playoffs. It’s pretty safe to say Brady Quinn will never coach a high-school football team to the playoffs.

Mike Quinn served as a backup quarterback for many teams between 1997 and 2006. He threw a few passes in garbage time for the 1997 Pittsburgh Steelers and 1998 Dallas Cowboys.  He also played in the Canadian Football League before ending his career in 2004. Some might say that Brady Quinn ranks ahead of Mike Quinn since Mike Quinn never even started a game. But Mike Quinn was able to hang around for close to a decade. Will Brady Quinn’s career last that long? Mike Quinn also has a Wikipedia entry nearly as long as Brady Quinn’s, despite throwing only three passes in his NFL career. Advantage, Mike Quinn.

Pat Brady almost doesn’t belong on this list. He was a punter for the Steelers from 1952-54. He also served as a backup quarterback and threw a few passes, but never started a game. He most likely would have lasted longer than three years if not for a torn Achilles’ tendon suffered in the 1955 preseaon. Since Pat Quinn made the Steelers Legends Team, we’ll rank Brady Quinn behind him. Plus, who knows if Brady Quinn can punt. Pat Brady recently passed away at age 83.

With a victory Sunday against the Detroit Lions Brady Quinn can begin move out of last place on the Brady or Quinn quarterback list. But for now, our Brady Quinn is the worst Brady or Quinn of them all..

Dead Mangini walking

 

   

The entire world has lambasted New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick for a coaching decision which led to his team’s defeat Sunday night. But it was Browns coach Eric Mangini’s coaching decision in Monday night’s 16-0 loss to the Baltimore Ravens which should draw the most derision.

In fact, Mangini’s decision was a fireable offense.You’ve probably heard about it by now, but you might not have heard about it right away. With the game decided, with no one in the stands, with most of the televisions around the Cleveland area turned off and the fans all snug in their beds, Mangini had quarterback Brady Quinn throwing Hail Mary passes with less than 30 seconds to go and his team down 16-0. There was no chance for the Browns to come back. If Bernie Kosar, Jim Brown, and Paul Warfield in their primes all came back for the final minute of the game and the Ravens left the field the Browns would not have come back.

Instead, Quinn threw two deep passes intended for Cribbs out of bounds. Then, with three seconds left, Quinn hit Cribbs with a short pass. Cribbs hit teammate Robert Royal with a lateral. And Ravens defensive end Dwan Edwards hit Cribbs. Hard. Right in the chin.  With the stands empty and the clock at 0:00, Cribbs lay motionless on the ground. Trainers and doctors gathered around him, and soon after just about every Cleveland Brown gathered. With a stretcher and cart brought onto the field alongside Cribbs, the Browns look like they were attending a wake. Their touchdown leader of the past two seasons lay sprawled out on the field, future unknown. 

How can a coach do that? How can a coach make such an awful decision that his team’s best player winds up carted away to the hospital on a meaningless play? Or better yet, how can a coach make such a decision and keep his job?

Tuesday Mangini said he “probably” wouldn’t make that play call again, which for a Belichick disciple is just about the same as pleading guilty to grand larceny. Hey, guess what, Eric — if Randy Lerner had it to do over, he “probably” wouldn’t have hired you. And the way the return of the Browns has gone, we “probably” would never have begged the NFL to give us our team back. When you cause your team’s best player to spend the night in the hospital because of a meaningless play, you best admit your mistakes. It might be the only way to keep your job.  

This being the Browns, though, we’ve seen such a play before. Remember when Kellen Winslow broke his leg in his second game as a Brown while in for an onside kick in a similarly hopeless cause against the Dallas Cowboys in 2004? Remember the flak that former Browns coach Butch Davis caught for that decision?  At least Butch Davis, like Belichick, was trying to win. There was very little chance that the Browns were going to recover that onside kick and win that game. But there was NO chance the Browns were going to win while throwing Hail Mary passes in the final 20 seconds of Monday night’s game.

So what exactly was Mangini’s motivation then? Most likely, ego. He was hoping to avoid a Monday Night Football shutout. How would that look on a resume of a coach trying to find a job next season? If Quinn could connect on a Hail Mary pass, Mangini would be able to say that at least his team didn’t get shut out in front of the entire NFL. Heck, most everyone would even forget about the game. It would be just another awful game in a season full of them.

Now this is the one game that’s going to stick out when we remember Mangini’s (hopefully short) tenure as Browns coach. The final play, with all the Browns gathered around a fallen teammate, will become the symbol of this year’s team.

The Browns appear to have gotten lucky on this one. Cribbs left the hospital in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. Maybe he has a concussion, maybe not. Mangini says he’s hopeful Cribbs can play against the Detroit Lions next week. But you can bet there wouldn’t be nearly as many Cleveland Browns gathered round to mourn the firing of the dead Mangini walking.