Please give me the NFL Network for Christmas. This is the only thing I want. You see, those grinches at Time Warner Cable are preventing me from seeing it. But I have been really good this year, and think I deserve the NFL Network in my stocking.
Now, Santa, I don’t really need the NFL Network. No, not at all. I’ve followed the NFL quite well this season. Three of my four fantasy football teams made the playoffs. The fourth one lost out due to a tiebreaker. I am also still alive in my NFL survivor pool with just two weeks left. Not having the NFL Network hasn’t hurt me in terms of making my picks. I’ve even been able to see every Browns game this year, even the one where they beat the Steelers on the NFL Network. You see, if you live in the city of one of the teams playing a game on the NFL Network the game will be broadcast on one of your local television stations. So even though I really, really tried I wasn’t able to miss a single Browns broadcast this year. I can even see good portions of most of the games the NFL Network broadcasts by logging into NFL.com.
So I’ve been blessed, Santa. And Time Warner Cable gives me so much as well. They give me the Hollywood Celebrity Products channel, the ShopNBC channel, Chiller (they got Friday the 13th: The Series on there), SoapNet (despite just about every current soap opera getting canceled), and FitTV. My stocking is stuffed with television channels, Santa. I get the MLB Network and NBATV, no problem. But not the one I really want!
I know I don’t really need the NFL Network, Santa. But the league has done a masterful job of making me feel left out. Rich Eisen keeps sending me tweets about the things he’s doing on that channel, like popping balloons of whatever team he deems is out of the playoffs. They have this thing called The Red Zone Channel which apparently would put me into a sugar coma if I were ever able to watch it. And what am I going to do without the NFL Network after watching football all day long on Thanksgiving? I won’t be able to watch football all night long.
It’s like high-school gym class, Santa. Most people don’t want to be the first one picked, but no one wants to be the last one picked. That’s how I feel without the NFL Network. Like I’ve been picked last in gym class.
Look at all what I’m missing, Santa. Just this morning they had the Football Follies on. And tomorrow they’re going to have this show where they put microphones all over the field and then you get to hear all the stuff the players and coaches and refs say on the sidelines. And next Tuesday? They’re going to pick the Pro Bowl players. The last two years Ryan Pontbriand of the Browns made the Pro Bowl as a long-snapper, and I didn’t find out about for at least an hour after it happened.
Santa, I can’t help but look ahead. In the distant future, when I’m old and retired, the Browns might have a really good team. They’ll probably have a game on the NFL Network late in the season when they’re playing for a playoff spot. When that happens I’ll most certainly be retired to Florida or Arizona and be saddled with a cable provider sans the NFL Network. There’s no way I’ll be able to watch that awesome Browns team in my old age. Think of the elderly, Santa. What about the elderly?
So please, Santa, I know you’ve made your rounds already. But it’s still Christmas Day. And really I can probably live without the channel til the end of this season. (I mean the playoff games are all going to be on channels I get, and so is the Super Bowl.) You can tuck this away til next year, Santa. Just not til next Christmas. See what you can do between now and kickoff next September.
God Hates Cleveland Sports