The Cleveland sports scene finally got one right — it’s Grady Sizemore who’s naked all over the Internet.
Just imagine Cleveland sports as a high-school gym class. The gym teacher chooses two captains and everyone waits to see who gets picked first and who gets picked last. But imagine the game the class is dividing up for teams that day is “Let’s Take a Naked Self-Portrait and Email it To Someone.” Who do you think the top pick would be? That’s right, Grady Sizemore. Or maybe the No. 2 pick, after Brady Quinn.
Grady and Brady, those are the two Cleveland sports figures that people want to see naked. At least Austin Powers naked, with a strategically placed mug the only thing in the way. We got our top pick out there. Even Indians general manager Mark Shapiro knew the importance of this moment:
“I have not seen the pictures,” Shapiro told The Plain Dealer, “but I will look into it.”
Of course you will, Mark. Just like everyone else “will look into it.”
So give yourself a round of applause, Cleveland. You’re represented well by Grady’s self-shots. We all know that not every professional athlete looks great in uniform, much less out of it. Cleveland’s got its fair share of those.
Just think of all the Cleveland sports figures who could’ve been naked. Who would be Cleveland sports’ Top Gym Class Picks You DON’T Want to See Naked On The Internet? Here’s our first team:
When 6-foot-4 Shaun Rogers was with the Detroit Lions he weighed more than 400 pounds. He’s since slimmed down to a listed 350 pounds as a Brown, though he most certainly weighs more. Rogers is the biggest Brown of them all. Based on the team roster he’s 20 pounds heavier than Ahtyba Rubin, the next heaviest man on the Browns.
So while Rogers is as big as they get and no one wants to piss him off by saying he’s the top pick in the please-keep-your-clothes-on draft, really Shaun, please keep your clothes on. Or at least keep the cameras away when your clothes are off. We really don’t need to see what size coffee mug you need.
Ilgauskas is about to set the Cavs record for most games played in a career. No one wants him to break Grady’s record for most naked pictures taken with a coffee mug. Ilgauskas might be tall, but kinda looks like a round, tall fencepost. No one’s saying Z’s not in shape. He’s just not the type of guy anyone imagines naked (or so I’m told).
Seeing a naked picture of Zydrunas would be like walking in on your uncle as he stepped out of the shower. You like your uncle and all, you think he’s cool and you might like to grow up to be just like him. But no one wants to see their uncle naked. Or Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
Poor Jhonny Peralta. The guys’ averaged 18 home runs and 78 RBI per year since becoming a full-timer yet nobody likes him. He drew more criticism than anyone on the Indians last season other than Eric Wedge, and he never complains.
He does pout a lot, though. With his baby face and slight double chin he looks like he’s in pain during half his at-bats. His uniform doesn’t fit quite right and he’s probably yet to be introduced to a treadmill. All this adds up to not only Cleveland’s least favorite Indian heading into 2010, but also Cleveland’s least favorite naked Indian. Keep your balls on the field, Jhonny.
4) Phil Dawson
Phil Dawson might be the most fit guy in Cleveland sports. Maybe he eats egg whites and peanut butter for snacks, healthy fish and chicken for dinner, and never eats bacon for breakfast. He might do yoga and Pilates on a daily basis. None of this matters.
He’s a kicker. Alex Karras ruined it for kickers 30 years ago when he described them as foreigners who could barely speak English and didn’t know the rules. He imitated a fictional kicker by saying, “Hooray, I keek touchdown.” Forever after, kickers have not been thought of as athletes.
So Phil Dawson, you might be the only kicker the new Browns have ever known. You might be one of the best Browns we’ve had. You might be the nicest guy and look really good out of a jock strap. No one wants to see it. You’re a kicker. You could probably grow a really good porn stache, but you’re a kicker. Keep your goal post hidden.
5) Shaquille O’Neal
Shaquille O’Neal is gigantic. Humongous. Gargantuan. He weighs just about as much as Shaun Rogers (325 pounds listed weight) and is almost as tall as Zydrunas Ilgauskas (7-foot-1). He is as big as his own Fathead. He is just a big, big, big, big man.
Shaq is also always sweaty. Sitting under a 60-watt light bulb makes Shaq sweat. It would be scary to look at a naked, sweaty Shaq self-portrait. First of all, would he even be able to fit himself in a mirror? If he were taking his own picture in Grady Sizemore’s bathroom Shaq would have to bend over. The room is too small for him. If you saw Shaq naked and sweaty it would be like looking at the sun without sunglasses. It might be quite an impressive sight, but there’s no question that your eyes would just melt right into your head and you’d be blinded for life.
Please, Shaq, for our sakes, keep your naked, sweaty self to yourself.
If anyone out there runs into Grady Sizemore anytime soon, thank him on behalf of God Hates Cleveland Sports. Thank him on behalf of your wife or girlfriend or sister. Thank him on behalf of Cleveland sports fans everywhere. Because just think about who it might have been, and shudder.