Say goodbye to the weekly three-hour nightmare of watching a team whose quarterback can’t even throw for a hundred yards in back-to-back weeks.
Say goodbye to a team that turned in more three-and-outs than pass completions in the first half of a 30-6 loss to the Chicago Bears.
And you thought you were angry over the Indians season. Suffice it to say Derek Anderson won’t ever be coming back to town to lead the Pittsburgh Steelers to a win over the Browns. If we followed our mother’s advice and didn’t say anything at all if we had nothing good to say, this space will be blank. Instead, it’s pretty filled.
But maybe we can turn the Browns bye week into a positive. There’s a fan protest planned for the game against the Baltimore Ravens (you know, the old Browns who won a Super Bowl after leaving Cleveland) on Monday Night Football following the bye. Let’s not even let it get that far. Let’s break up with the Browns right now, this week. No turning back. No need to show up at our ex’s next date in order to make a point of not showing up. Don’t expect Randy Lerner to break up with his coach, though.
Let’s use the bye week as a calling. You know Sweetest Day started in Cleveland, right? We just celebrated it a couple weeks ago. Well, let’s make the NFL bye week into the opposite of Sweetest Day. What if bye week became the opposite of Sweetest Day? When your city’s NFL team is off, that’s the time to break up with your significant other. If you don’t live in an NFL city, you just use the bye week of whichever team is closest to you. Or maybe the bye week of whatever team your significant other roots for. (Especially if it’s your team’s archrival.) We’ll call it Bye Bye Day.
Thing is, if you’re in a rocky relationship, you know Bye Bye Day is coming. Yet couples sometimes let things linger, finding reasons not to break up. Maybe someone’s birthday is coming up. Or it’s the holidays. Or there’s a trip planned. With Bye Bye Day, none of that matters. Throw it all out the window. If you’re in a rough relationship and looking for a way out, just look at the NFL schedule. Now you know when the bye week is. Let your significant other know, either clean up your act coming into it, or get thrown over the side. On Bye Bye Day, no one can complain about a breakup. It must go down as a guilt-free, complaint less breakup. Hey, it’s not like you didn’t know things weren’t going well.
It’s not like you wouldn’t have seen it on the schedule. The bye week is right there in black and white. Therefore, so is Bye Bye Day.
The Browns did plenty to lead to this proposed breakup. (Heck, Jamal Lewis is apparently taking it to heart, announcing after the game that he’s going to retire following this season. Unfortunately, Derek Anderson did not say the same thing.) He has plenty of reasons to want to walk away. Here’s how the browns did on each possession Sunday:
- Three-and-out. (Sensing a pattern?)
- Interception on the first play.
- First down! Then fumble on a botched handoff.
- End of half (after a sack during the possession, of course).
- Miraculous touchdown. (No pass attempts during that drive — coincidence?)
- Four-and-out. (Browns trying to mix it up a bit.)
- Fumble by Steve Heiden after pass completion. (It was the third play of the drive, of course.)
- Stopped on fourth down. (Hey, look a seven-play drive!)
- Fumble by Mohamed Massaquoi after completion on first play of drive.
- Interception for a touchdown.
- Three-and-out. (Yes, on fourth-and-1 with two minutes left in the game down 30-6, the Browns punted.)
That’s 14 drives, each one triggering a 20-car pileup. Really, honey, it’s not me it’s you.
Still, there was one possession that led to the breakup. Toward the end of the game, the Browns used a goal-line stand to stop the Bears. Up 23-6 the Bears wouldn’t settle for a field goal, going for it on fourth-and-goal from the 1. Jay Cutler threw an incomplete pass to end the drive. Then defensive coordinator Rob Ryan started jawing with Cutler, dropping what looked like a couple of F-bombs on the Bears quarterback. At least someone was showing some life.
Then the Browns turned it over to the offense. Two straight runs up the gut nearly resulted in two safeties as James Harrison then Jamal Lewis barely escaped the end zone. On third down, only an inch out of their own end zone, the Browns were forced to pass. The predictable happened — Anderson’s protection broke down, he threw up a wobbly pass, and Bears defensive back Danieal Manning ran it back for a touchdown. Frank Jackson winning Tuesday’s mayoral race will be a more surprising result that that interception for a touchdown.
During the bye week, open up your thesaurus, look under Cleveland Browns, and you’ll probably see the following — angry, frustrated, distraught, ridiculous, stupid, sick. And those are just the words members of the Browns (including the owner) were using to describe themselves. What everyone else is saying shouldn’t be repeated in polite company.
Which is why it’s time to say goodbye to the Browns. Make the bye week the goodbye week. You’ll be much better off for it.