Music to Tribe’s ears

You knew Nick Swisher was introduced as an Indian today. You did not know he introduced a CD in late 2011. No, you did not know that. Quit pretending you knew that. If you’re a real Cleveland fan you knew his wife Joanna Garcia is an actress. You knew he starred in baseball, football, and basketball at Parkersburg High School in West Virginia. You knew he went to Ohio State on a baseball scholarship. You knew his father Steve played catcher for nine seasons for the Cubs, Cardinals, and Padres. You thought you knew that the Indians couldn’t sign a player like Nick Swisher.

But you did not know he put out a music CD.

He did, though, back in October 2011. It’s called “Believe”, which is the name of the title track written former New York Yankee Bernie Williams. It also features San Francisco Giants pitcher Barry Zito on guitar. No Ben Broussard, though.

Oh, one other thing you didn’t know — this is a kid’s record. Yep, Nick Swisher sings with a choir of children ages 8-13, and all proceeds go to his Swish’s Wishes Foundation, which helps children in need. So we can’t even make fun of Nick Swisher for making a CD. Well, that, and because it’s not half-bad. Swisher sings cover songs of Beatles (“With a Little help From My Friends”), Rolling Stones (“Jumpin’ Jack Flash”), Sly and the Family Stone (“Everyday People”) and other’s, with a rendition of “Hang on Sloopy” thrown in. 

Sure, “Believe” isn’t even reason #1,784 that the Indians signed him, because they didn’t know it either. But it might be a Top 10 reason why Cleveland will love Nick Swisher. Swisher stared down a big chance to embarrass himself and acquitted himself on a CD that actually serves as a fun sing-a-long for kids. Nick Swisher, you are indeed Swishalicious!

Here’s a track-by-track analysis of “Believe” …

1) HEROES (David Bowie)

Swisher’s vocals would be a highlight on any Thursday karaoke night. The kid’s choir is smooth. When Swisher starts talking in between the kids singing “We can be heroes” toward the end, well, it makes everyone want to be a hero.

VERDICT: Line-drive single.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “I, I will be king.”

2) I WON’T BACK DOWN (Tom Petty)

Not being able to sing never really hurt Tom Petty’s career. Swisher does well on this song, but his earnestness doesn’t pay off as much as Petty’s nasal voice does in the original. The kids choir compares well to Tom Petty and The Heartbreaker’s harmonies. 

VERDICT: Double off the wall.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “Gonna stand my ground, and I won’t back down.”

3) WHERE THE GREEN GRASS GROWS (Tim McGraw)

Swisher does well singing with the kids choir. The rest sounds like 90% reading, 10% singing. This version made me realize Tim McGraw is a pretty damn good singer.

VERDICT: Groundout to second.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “I’m gonna live where the green grass grows.”

4) LEAN ON ME (Bill Withers)

Swisher’s best effort on the CD. He gives the lyrics the perfect emotional heft and lets the kids choir do its thing on the chorus. 

VERDICT: Home run.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “Lean on me, when you’re not strong/And I’ll be your friend/I’ll help you carry on.”

5) A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS (The Beatles)

Swisher shows almost as much range on this song as he does in the outfield. Sure, The Beatles wrote perfect pop songs so the template is there, but their songs can easily screwed up. Swisher shows he’s coachable, sounds great with the kids choir, and even walks off holding a high note. 

VERDICT: Double down the line.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “Would you believe in a love at first sight.”

6) EVERYDAY PEOPLE (Sly and the Family Stone)

Swisher’s shows he’s a team player by giving the kids choir the spotlight on this one. He’s merely a supporting player here. Maybe it’s his designated-hitter day as the kids take the field. He starts and finishes the song with aplomb, but this is the kids’ starring vehicle.

VERDICT: Triple.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “You love me you hate me/You know me and then/You can’t figure out the bag I’m in.”

7) PROUD MARY (Creedence Clearwater Revival)

Here it sounds like Swisher is having the most fun, growling out the famous “rolling on the river” chorus. His band gets some extended action on center stage in a perfectly acceptable version  of CCR’s famous song.

VERDICT: Two-hop single to left.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “Left a good job in the city.”

8) TAKE ME HOME, COUNTRY ROADS (John Denver)

This song is certainly on the CD due to Swisher’s West Virginia roots. But it also exposes his lack of vocal chops. Even the kids choir can’t mask him on this one. This is where Eric Wedge would say Swisher is a grinder.

VERDICT: Pop out to short left.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON (for Swisher’s All-Star Break plans): “Country Roads, take me home/To the place I belong/West Virginia, mountain momma/Take me home, country roads.”

9) JOY TO THE WORLD (Three Dog Night)

Swisher screams this one as if he’s just downed three shots of whiskey. He’s not great in it, but the music and kids choir make this very danceable. 

VERDICT: Base on balls.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “I’m a high life flyer and a rainbow rider/A straight shootin’ son of a gun.”

10) HANG ON SLOOPY (The McCoys)

Better versions are heard nightly at frat parties in Columbus, just before everyone passes out. Still, here’s hoping this version gets played at some Indians games this season.

VERDICT: Fly out to the warning track.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “O-H-I-O”

11) JUMPIN’ JACK FLASH (Rolling Stones)

This is the song Swisher tries to most closely match his singing with the original, which is perfect because Mick Jagger is as much a singer as he is a baseball player.

VERDICT: Hot smash single up the middle.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: “But it’s all right now, in fact, it’s a gas!”

12) BELIEVE (Bernie Williams)

Not a bad song for a couple of baseball players. The kids choir really makes this one.

VERDICT: Single up the middle.

LYRICS APPLICABLE TO INDIANS SEASON: ”All things are possible if you believe.” (I.e., What if?)

Keeping 1995 alive in Chicago

For the past 15 years Cleveland fans have been wanting to relive the 1995 Indians. Well, everything but the ending. Turns out that anyone who wanted to relive that team needed neither a DVD player nor a hot tub time machine, but merely a trip to the South Side of Chicago.

If Manny Ramirez joins the Chicago White Sox — and it’s almost certain they will win him in the divorce of Los Angeles Dodgers owners — he’ll be the 10th member of the 1995 Indians team to eventually play for the White Sox. He’ll join another former 1995 Indian, Omar Vizquel, as the White Sox battle the Twins for first place in the American League Central.

Tribe fans have been begging the Dolan family for years to bring back one of the fan favorites from the Indians glory years of the 1990s. Let him play out his waning years in an Indians uniform. It will bring goodwill back to the Tribe, and maybe even a few fans back to Progressive Field.

Instead, those of us who wanted to remember the good teams might have been well-advised to follow the White Sox. Someone in Chicago must have followed the Indians of the 1990s. Since 1997 the White Sox have had at least one former member of the 1995 Indians all but two seasons. Some you remember, some you don’t, but one things clear — the heart and soul of that Tribe team all went through Chicago at one time or another.

Albert Belle was first. We remember when he left for the money, joining up with the White Sox in 1997 on a massive free-agent contract. He was joined on the ChiSox that season by Tony Pena. Belle lasted with the Sox until 1998. There was no former 1995 Indian on the 1999 squad. Two moved to Chicago in 2001 — Herbert Perry and Ken Hill. Hill pitched just two games for the White Sox, but he wore the uniform. In 2001, Kenny Lofton and Alan Embree joined Perry. Lofton and Alomar stuck around for the 2002 season. In 2003 and 2004 it was just Alomar on the White Sox. No 1995 Indian was on the team in 2005. In 2006 Chicago signed Jim Thome and Alomar rejoined the club. Thome stuck with them through last season. Vizquel joined at the beginning of this season. Now Ramirez is moments away from donning the White Sox’ pinstripes.

And let’s not forget Bartolo Colon, who started with the Indians in 1997, pitched in three different postseasons for the Tribe, and wound up going 15-13 for the White Sox in 2003.

Belle. Lofton. Thome. Alomar. Even Colon. Thay produced 603 homers, 1,814 RBI, 102 stolen bases, and 75 wins in Indians uniforms. Then they were gone when they still had plenty of productive years left.

So far, the only comeback we’ve seen in Cleveland is Kenny Lofton, who was last seen stopping at third base in the seventh inning of Game 7 of the ALCS — while Ramirez loped after a smash to left field that could have tied the game and, who knows, perhaps propelled the Indians back to the World Series. (Oh, and Jesse Levis, who came back in 1999 after three years in Milwaukee.) Part of the problem has been that the 1995 Indians who are still playing are just too damn good for the current iteration of the Indians. Vizquel’s batting .292 at 43 years old for the White Sox. Ramirez has been a headache for the Red Sox and the Dodgers since leaving the Tribe, but he’s won two World Series rings. Jim Thome, another guy we’d love to have back, keeps ripping homers. He’s up to 18 with the Twins this year.

Don’t count on any of them playing out the string for a losing Indians team next year, no matter how hard anyone begs. Why would quality players who can still contribute to teams in the pennant race want to waste time on one of the worst teams in baseball?

So if you want to party like it’s 1995, head down to Progressive Field before the White Sox leave town Wednesday. Ramirez will be there, and so will Omar. They’ll be in enemy clothing, but if you close your eyes and listen you can at least hear their names and pretend they’re not wearing White Sox uniforms, that one is a leap away from an game-saving diving play and the other is a swing away from a game-winning, and that the future is still bright for your Cleveland Indians.

1995 INDIANS WHO LATER PLAYED FOR THE WHITE SOX

Albert Belle: 1997-98, 302 games, .301 avg., 79 HRs, 268 RBI

Tony Pena: 1997, 31 games, .164 avg.

Herbert Perry: 2000-01, 201 games, .286 avg, 19 HRs, 93 RBI

Ken Hill: 2000, 2 games, 0-1, 24.00 ERA

Sandy Alomar: 2001-04, 2006, 265 games, .257 avg. 19 HRs, 94 RBI

Alan Embree: 2001, 39 games, 1-2, 5.03 ERA

Kenny Lofton: 2002, 93 games, .259 avg, 8 HRs, 42 RBI, 22 SBs

Jim Thome: 2006-09, 529 games, .265 avg., 134 HRs, 369 RBI

Omar Vizquel: 2010, 83 games, .292 avg., 1 HR, 25 RBI, 7 SBs (through Aug. 29)

Manny Ramirez: 2010

Don’t try this at home

We were all witnesses to what looked like another devastating blow to Cleveland sports Monday night. Prized Indians rookie catcher Carlos Santana was bowled over at home plate by Boston Red Sox rookie outfielder Ryan Kalish, then carted off the field.

Any Clevelander with long-term memory immediately flashed to Ray Fosse being bowled over at home plate by Pete Rose in the 1970 All-Star Game. That collision broke a bone in Fosse’s shoulder. Some say it ruined a blossoming career.

Before Monday Cleveland sports fans might have convinced themselves they just didn’t care anymore, not after everything that’s happened to our sports teams the last couple of years. Then the future of the Indians crumpled to the deck and was carted off the field.

Cleveland fans crumpled right along with him, falling into the pose familiar to comic-book fans everywhere: hero on his knees, arms stretched toward the heavens while he’s screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

In the past few months Cleveland fans have had everything but the kitchen sink thrown at them. Monday night, the kitchen sink ran over Santana, knocking him right out of his shoe. Santana stayed down for before trainers put a large orange splint on his leg and carted him off the field.

No matter the outcome — after the game Indians officials said they didn’t believe Santana suffered any damage to his knee ligaments — Cleveland fans fear the worst. Monday night was a just-when-you-thought-it-couldn’t-get worse moment.

Clevelanders can watch every Browns game this season, preseason included, and most likely not see a collision that looks worse than what Santana suffered.

But look on the bright side, Indians fans. Kalish was out. The Indians won, 6-5. And Santana’s not dead, at least.

Cleveland sports fans’ hopes? That’s a different story.

Are you richer than a Cleveland Indian?

 

Nineteen of the 25 players on the Indians active roster as of Wednesday make less than a million dollars. (And this most assuredly won’t change if Luis Valbuena is shipped out before the Tribe plays again.) Meanwhile, this guy you never heard of just made more than each of those 19 players by playing a baseball video game. He did it by pitching the first perfect game on 2K Sports’ Major League Baseball 2K game. No word on if he did it against the virtual Indians.

Now everyone hates Cleveland sports

 

It’s not just God who hates Cleveland sports anymore.

Now it’s just about everyone.

According to a Nielsen Co. Internet algorithm, the Cleveland Indians are the most hated team in baseball. That’s right, the Indians finally ranked ahead of the Boston Red Sox, the New York Yankees, and every other team in the AL Central.

Predictably, New Yorkers are up in arms, claiming that the study doesn’t really rank which team is most hated. (We all know it’s the Yankees, unless Boston Red Sox fans count as a team.) It merely ranks “the correlation between positive and negative feelings generated by each team based on their starts to this season,” or something along those lines, Aaron Lewis, a communications director at Nielsen, told the New York Daily News. And who wouldn’t believe that a guy who could come up with a line like ““the correlation between positive and negative feelings generated by each team based on their starts to this season” is a communications director, and therefore correct?

The algorithm is a bit more complicated than the one Nielsen uses to determine how many people watched American Idol on a given night. It measures things such as online message-board posts about the Indians and the rest of Major League Baseball, as well as the stupid things former Indian Mike Bacsik says on Twitter, to determine which teams got mocked the most.

Most likely the algorithm just measured what the Indians’ own fans were writing about Jhonny Peralta. You can bet there’s not many other baseball fans talking about a team whose best player’s batting average has dropped four years straight. (That’s Grady Sizemore, unless Shin-Soo Choo has passed him.) There’s probably not much interest outside of the Cleveland area in a team whose designated hitter, Travis Hafner, is more of a designated whiffer with 17 strikeouts in 77 plate appearances. Who could imagine anyone west of the Mississippi – or heck, even the Cuyahoga – yapping it up about closer Chris Perez over beers?

During awards ceremonies there’s usually a moment for the winners to give thanks to those who helped get them to the top spot. So before the orchestra plays us out, let’s thank those behind the Indians’ hate ranking:

• Thank you to dgeneral, who wrote on the Cleveland.com message boards “Dolan death spiral has reached fever pitch. The misery of a Dolan ownership is a cruel cross to bare (sic) for Indians fans.”
• Thank you to skatingtripods, who on TheClevelandFan.com message boards wrote “Grady Sizemore blows.” Yeah, that probably scored pretty high on the Nielsen algorithm.
• And thank you to the Cleveland sports blogger, who have come up with names such as Cursed Cleveland; Cleveland Frowns; Mistake By The Lake; and Wait ‘Til Next Year, Again. Oh, and of course, God Hates Cleveland Sports.
• But most of all, thank you, Cleveland Indians. Thank you, Larry Dolan, for buying high when you should have been lying low. Thank you for not being able to afford to run a major league franchise. Thank you, Mark Shapiro, for trading CC Sabathia and Cliff Lee in back-to-back seasons while getting back a bushelful of players who don’t even look good on paper. (Lou Marson? Michael Brantley? Jason Donald? Really?)  Thank you for giving a three-year contract to a manager whose only previous experience was guiding the Washington Nationals to hundreds of losses.

Most hated team in baseball, and it’s not even a month into the season. Congratulations, Cleveland Indians! Looks like everyone else has finally caught up with God.

The times that try Tribe fan’s souls

 

It’s one thing to have your heart ripped out by your favorite sports team. But to lose your soul …

That’s exactly what will happen tonight when Cleveland fans watch CC Sabathia pitch against Cliff Lee in Game 1 of the World Series — if they dare. You know who they’ll each be pitching for. (Hint: It’s not the Indians.) Just two years ago they were both ours, on the cusp of winning Cy Young awards and heralding a bright future for the Tribe. Now it’s just one long, dark winter.

We used to have both those guys. Now we have Matt LaPorta, Michael Brantley, Rob Bryson, Carlos Carrasco, Lou Marson, Jason Donald, Jason Knapp. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.

Sabathia went 19-7 for the Indians in 2007, pitching a league-leading 241 innings while posting a 3.21 ERA. He won the Cy Young. Then he lost Game 5 of the ALCS to the Boston Red Sox when the Indians had a chance to clinch the pennant. Sabathia won only six more games in an Indians uniform. He was traded to the Milwaukee Brewers on July 7, 2008 for LaPorta, Brantley, Bryson, and the since-departed Zach Jackson. Then he (of course) signed with the Yankees for the 2009 season.

Lee, meanwhile, was an Indians for barely another year. The Tribe traded him to the Phillies on July 29 of this year, receiving Carrasco, Marson, Donald, and Knapp. Fans are still howling.

Sabathia was a foregone conclusion to leave. His contract was up at the end of 2007. The Indians weren’t going to be in on the bidding. They had missed their chance years earlier when they chose to give the money Sabathia would have commanded to Jake Westbrook and Travis Hafner. Once Sabathia hit free agency, his marriage to the Yankees was inevitable. His seven-year, $161 million contract was the richest ever signed by a pitcher. It’s the Yankee way. It will be heartbreaking to see Sabathia in Yankee pinstripes for Game 1 of the World Series.

Watching Cliff Lee oppose him, though, will be soul-sucking. It didn’t have to be this way. The Indians didn’t have to trade Lee. The 2008 Cy Young winner (22-3, 2.54 ERA) was under contract via a 2010 club option for a very reasonable $8 million. You might as well have asked Indians owner Larry Dolan to pick up Terminal Tower with his bare hands and carry it to Euclid. The Indians traded Lee (and Victor Martinez), didn’t call it payroll shedding, and marched to a tie with the Royals for the worst record in the American League.

When the Yankees finished off the Angels in Game 6 of the ALCS Sunday night it put Sabathia’s name on the marquee across from Lee for tonight’s game. For Cleveland fans, it was like receiving an invitation to you ex-fiance’s wedding. Do Tribe fans REALLY want to subject themselves to this?

Let’s face it, if someone told an Indians fan at the beginning of the season that Cliff Lee would be pitching in Game 1 of the World Series, the reaction would have been, “For what team?” Now we know the answer: The Phillies. Against CC Sabathia and the Yankees. These are the times that Tribe fan’s souls are extinguished.

——

Lorain Morning Journal Tribe beat writer Jim Ingraham thinks Cleveland fans have suffered enough.

Indians GM Mark Shapiro is one part excited and one part bitter.

Cleveland.com offers fans a chance to vote on who they will root for, who they believe will win, and whether they’d prefer to poke their eyes out with a sharp stick.

Kevin Kernan of the New York Posts writes that it’s not easy for Indians fans to watch this World Series. Really, Kevin?

Rich Hoffman of the Philadelphia Daily News says it’s only Tribe fans who could hate Game 1’s pitching matchup.

Carl Willis tells Yahoo.com’s Tim Brown all about Sabathia’s ascent.

CBSSports.com’s Scott Miller can see Cleveland cringe.

An ug-Lee World Series on deck

Nuclear holocaust in Cleveland is just eight days away. Surprisingly it doesn’t involve the Browns.

No, we’re pretty much deadened to the fact that the Browns are going to get their butts whipped just about every time they step on the field — and that if they win it even Kanye West thinks it’s the worst game OF ALL TIME.

This bomb will wipe that and any other Cleveland sporting disgust off the map. Mark your calendar and head to your nearest fallout shelter, i.e., your man cave with flat-screen television, for Oct. 28. That’s the first day of the 2009 World Series.

That’s Cliff Lee against CC Sabathia.

That’s armageddon.

If Sabathia does his part tonight and beats the Los Angeles Angels, his New York Yankees will have a 3-1 ALCS lead. And if the Yankees take a 3-1 lead, bank on Sabathia vs. Lee in the opening game of the World Series. And Game 4. And Game 7, if necessary. You see, teams with a 3-1 lead in the league championship series are 22-6 all time. That gives both the Yankees and Phillies a 78% chance of making the World Series should Sabathia pitch the Yanks to victory tonight.

Of course, Sabathia was on the last of those teams to blow a 3-1 lead. Clevelanders remember him losing to Josh Beckett in Game 5 of the 2007 ALCS, which started Boston’s comeback.

And to think, the Indians started the 2008 season with BOTH these guys and could barely scrape out a .500 record.

So mark Oct. 28 on your calendar. When game time rolls around  settle down in your favorite easy chair, and get ready to sulk. Make sure you turn out the lights because it’s sure to be one of the darkest moments in Cleveland sports history.

To get you in the mood, here’s the stats of some postseason stats of some former Cleveland Indians …
Ronnie Belliard: .308 average, .379 OBP, 1 RBI, 1 steal
Casey Blake: .192 average, 2 RBI
Mark DeRosa: .385 average, 1 RBI
Ben Francisco: 0-for-4
Maicer Izturis: .167, 2 RBI, 1 SB
Ryan Ludwick: .333 average, 1 RBI
Victor Martinez: .182 average, 2 RBI
Manny Ramirez: .276 average, 1 HR, 4 RBI
Jim Thome: 1-for-3

Rafael Betancourt: 2.1 IP, 3.86 ERA
Cliff Lee: 2-0, 0.74 ERA
CC Sabathia: 2-0, 1.23 ERA

Charlie Manuel: one World Series ring

You can go Thome again

Manny Ramirez and Jim Thome are reunited, and it doesn’t feel so good for Tribe fans.

Just before the stroke of midnight Monday, the Chicago White Sox raised the white flag, shipping Jose Contreras to the Colorado Rockies and Thome to the Los Angeles Dodgers. That means that after nearly a decade apart, Ramirez and Thome are together again.

Ramirez had good things to say about Thome:

“He’s one of the best guys I ever played with in my entire career. He’s a great guy in the clubhouse. I’m happy to see him. He’s one of the best hitters, too. I’m just glad he’s on my team.”

So were we, way back when.

You remember way back when, right? The cornerstones, along with Albert Belle, of an Indians offense that dominated the American League in the 1990s? Thome crushed 334 home runs with the Indians while Ramirez smacked 236. That’s 570 just for the Tribe; since leaving they’ve hit 536 more homers. The next handful will come as teammates on the Los Angeles Dodgers. And don’t forget, Casey Blake’s there, too. That’s three players who hit 686 home runs while playing 2,154 games for the Tribe, all playing for another team. A first-place team.

Now all we have to look forward to is picking which new team to root for in the playoffs? Will you pull for the Dodgers or the Phillies when Ramirez is hitting against Cliff Lee? The Dodgers might have more ex-Indians with Thome, Blake, recently acquired Ronnie Belliard, and Guillermo Mota on the roster, but the Phillies also have Ben Francisco (you forgot that the Indians threw him in in the Cliff Lee deal, didn’t you?) and manager Charlie Manuel. Or maybe you’d prefer the Yankees because you want to see CC Sabathia do well — unless you’re pulling for the Red Sox because you want to see Victor Martinez take Sabathia deep to give Paul Byrd a win.

Let’s face it, when the Indians traded Cliff Lee and Victor Martinez earlier this summer they weren’t exactly breaking up the ’27 Yankees, or even the ’95 Indians. Sure, both were part of a team that came a win away from the World Series just two seasons ago. The trades did signal the end of an era, just not the current era. It actually signaled the end of the Jacobs Field era. Yes, all those players are long gone from the Tribe — Belle, Thome, Ramirez, Omar Vizquel, Sandy Alomar, Kenny Lofton, Dennis Martinez, Orel Hershisher, Jose Mesa, Carlos Baerga — but they’re not long gone. Consider:

• At age 42, Vizquel is hitting .305 for the wild-card contending Texas Rangers.
• Alomar visited Progressive Field this summer for induction into the Indians Hall of Fame the day after Victor Martinez was traded to the Boston Red Sox.
• Lofton rejoined the Indians just two seasons ago for the ill-fated run at the World Series.
• Brian Giles and Julian Tavarez, 19 and 22 years old respectively while playing for the ’95 Indians, are still bouncing around the majors, though nearing the end of the line. Giles is a year removed from hitting .300 with the San Diego Padres while Tavarez posted a 4.89 ERA for the Washington Nationals before being released a few weeks ago.
• Bartolo Colon, who became a big part of the Indians starting in 1998, posted a 4.19 ERA for the White Sox this year.
• Hershiser and Baerga appear as ESPN baseball commentators, with Hershiser recently doing color commentary at the Little League World Series.
• And of course Ramirez and Thome keep chugging along toward the Hall of Fame.

That era’s gone, and it’s never coming back. No matter how the Indians want to spin it these days, the team that won 90-plus games in 2005 and 2007 was to the 1990s Indians like Lindsay Lohan is to Marilyn Monroe. A fleeting copy. The 1990s Indians were built on the backs of several future Hall of Famers (Vizquel, Ramirez, Thome, Eddie Murray) and a couple of near-miss HOFers (Belle, Lofton). The 2005-07 Tribe were built on the backs of some good players, but the chances are slim to none that we’ll be seeing Lee, Martinez, Grady Sizemore, Travis Hafner, or Jhonny Peralta in the Hall of Fame without a ticket stub in their pocket.

Similarly, the Oakland Athletics and their general manager Billy Beane have been billed as the “Moneyball” team, when the reality is that the team was built on the backs of underpriced topnotch pitching. Tim Hudson, Barry Zito, and Mark Mulder kept the early 2000s Athletics rolling. Oakland has tried to replicate that success by signing and flipping cheap talent for the past several years. But it’s that once-in-a-generation pitching (only the Braves with John Smoltz, Greg Maddux, and Tom Glavine throughout the 1990s) have employed a young triumvirate such as the A’s for any length of time.

Those Indians teams of the early Jacobs Field era were built not on locking up young talent for the long-term, but by locking up young Hall of Fame talent for the long-term. Lee and Martinez reached the end of the line here in Cleveland and were sent off. But let’s face it. Neither is a young Hall of Fame talent. Heck, Lee went 22-3, won the Cy Young, and the Indians still won only 81 games in 2008. Fans were up in arms because Lee and Martinez were traded away, yes. But really it signaled that 1995 is gone and is never coming back, no matter how many more albums Night Ranger puts out or new 90210 episodes are aired.

Let’s just hope we don’t see a quote similar to Ramirez’s from Cliff Lee in a couple years about Grady Sizemore.

The city of meaningless wins

It was Throw Back the Clock Weekend in downtown Cleveland the last couple of days.

The Browns scored an offensive touchdown. The last time they did that nearly predates the time this nation had a black president, Nov. 17 of last year against the Buffalo Bills. No scores and seven games ago. Obviously the Browns were not created equal.

Then Fausto Carmona picked up a victory. He hadn’t earned a win since May 14 over the Tampa Bay Rays. Of course, you have to look even deeper into the time capsule to find the last time Carmona actually pitched really well and earned a victory. Sunday’s eight-strikeout, one-walk, five-hit, one-run performance was his best since his complete-game, 2-1 victory over the New York Yankees in the 2007 American League Division Series. Carmona’s eight whiffs were the most he’s put up since striking out nine Royals in a 6-0 victory on Sept. 15, 2007, and the one walk was only the second time in 17 starts this season that he’s allowed so few.

A Browns offensive touchdown and victory. TWO Indians victories. Never before in the history of sport have three meaningless games brought one city so much joy. The last time two of our teams won in the same weekend was when both the Cavs and Indians won at home on Sunday, April 12. Even one of those games was basically meaningless as the Indians won their first of the season against the Blue Jays after six straight losses while the Cavs whipped the Celtics 107-76 to cement home-court advantage throughtout the playoffs. At least neither was a preseason game.

You actually have to go back to April 14, 2007 for two meaningful wins in the same weekend day by Cleveland teams. On that day in Cleveland sports history the Indians beat the Chicago White Sox at home 4-0. The Cavs followed with a 110-76 win at the Q over the Atlanta Hawks. Those were the days. The Cavs were heading to the NBA Finals while the Indians were heading for Game 7 of the ALCS.

Now we’re just heading over a cliff, getting excited over preseason touchdowns in a win over a team that went 0-16 the previous year. And more people enjoyed the Tribe’s 2009 Rock ‘n Blast fireworks show after Saturday’s win than enjoyed either of the two weekend victories. Or at least they should have, considering that even with the two weekend wins the Indians are 15 games under .500. Or more accurately, six feet under. But at least they are two days closer to getting rid of manager Eric Wedge.

The Indians are now on a 10-game road trip and certain to be forgotten once they return home Labor Day weekend. Even if they win all 10 they’ll still be five games under and not nearly as close as they would appear in the Detroit Tigers’ side-view mirror. The Browns will be wrapping up preseason and the Cavs will be at least moving to the tip of our tongues.

Until then we’ll recount Braylon Edwards’ one catch against the Lions, the 81-yard touchdown run straight up the middle by rookie running back James Davis, and an actual passing grade for quarterback Derek Anderson. All against the Lions! (Hey, at least we’re not Detroit — in football.)

Where the hell have you been?

Hi there. Again. Welcome to God Hates Cleveland Sports.

Or welcome back.

You may be new to this site. Or maybe not.

You see, this is really God Hates Cleveland Sports 2.0. Call it a rebirth.

Back in January 2006 (even I didn’t realize it was that long ago) I started God Hates Cleveland Sports on Blogger. January 25, 2006 to be exact. The inspiration? The Pittsburgh Steelers had just made the Super Bowl. One For the Thumb was only a week and a half away. Cleveland looked nowhere near just one. The Browns had wrapped up a 6-10 season with a 41-0 loss to the Steelers in the next-to-last home game. The Indians were still hacking after choking away a playoff spot against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in the final week of the season. The Cavs were in the middle of a solid season in which they’d go 50-32 and make the Eastern Conference semifinals, but they hadn’t made the playoffs in seven years at that point.

And my girlfriend had just decided she didn’t like me anymore.

So what better way to wallow in my misery than to wallow in Cleveland sports misery? The first God Hates Cleveland Sports post featured a picture of Art Modell celebrating with the Vince Lombardi Trophy after the Ravens won Super Bowl XXXV. Freud would say posting that picture symbolized the ultimate breakup. It was like looking at your ex-girlfriend’s wedding pictures just to make yourself angry.

Problem is when it comes to Cleveland sports we’re looking at an old girlfriend’s wedding photos almost every day. Leave us and fare better. Right, Charlie Manuel?

The Steelers went on to win Super Bowl XL, beating the Seattle Seahawks. Now we had a picture of a beaming Bill Cowher celebrating a Super Bowl victory to go along with those of Art Modell. Stomachs in Cleveland churned.

It grew from there. LeBron James gave us some moments. But ultimately the Cleveland in him rose to the occasion. The Cavs made the playoffs for the first time in eight seasons but began a stretch of four straight disappointing playoff defeats that many believe simply serve as a countdown to LeBron leaving town. Meanwhile the Indians played through a dismal 2006 season — who can forget Fausto Carmona losing four straight games as the closer in July and August? — before truly ripping our hearts out by choking against the Boston Red Sox in the 2007 ALCS. The Browns have been just plain bad since GHCS began, save for a false-hope, 10-win season in 2007 which saw them fittingly miss the playoffs despite posting the same record as the eventual Super Bowl champion New York Giants.

God Hates Cleveland Sports was there, all throughout 2006 with 108 posts and for most of 2007 with 73 posts. We were recognized with mentions on Andrew Siciliano’s FOX Sports radio show, the Akron Beacon Journal, the Denver Post, The St. Petersburg Times, even a short feature on WKYC, Cleveland’s NBC station. We crossed into Canada with a mention in The Toronto Star. Oh, and one of my posts has been appropriated by a virus. Don’t go to any sites that feature a GHCS interview with the Magic Number, even though it’s damn funny.

And then, pfft, we was gone. Wallowing in Cleveland sports misery could only go on for so long. The plan was to celebrate an Indians World Series victory in 2007 then wrap up the blog in a big bow because God obviously didn’t hate Cleveland sports anymore. And even though it was fun, I sure as hell didn’t want to keep looking for the dark cloud in front of every silver Cleveland sports lining. And what with LeBron James in town and the Indians looking like an up-and-coming team, the silver lining was overtaking the dark cloud anyway. I mean, how can a blog focus on God hating Cleveland sports when the world’s best basketball player was right here?

Except.

Except the Indians didn’t win that World Series. They didn’t even make that World Series. Instead the last two posts for 2007 featured a list of area bridges from which Indians fans could jump, followed by a PDF file of my 2007 World Series tickets for Jacobs Fields. Sigh. My plan was thwarted. But I didn’t have the will to go on. I didn’t throw myself off one of those bridges, no. But I basically threw the blog off. A half-hearted attempt at a comeback during the Cavs playoff run earlier this year was as successful as the Knight Rider remake.

But here we are again. It’s a brand that just won’t die. God hates Cleveland sports sums up everything so well when it comes to our teams. It’s an end-all, be-all answer. Seriously, can you think of a better answer than “God hates Cleveland sports” to these questions:

* “Why did the Indians trade Cy Young winners in two straight seasons?”
* “Why haven’t the Browns scored an offensive touchdown in over a month?”
* “Why didn’t that shot that LeBron made in the playoffs mean anything in the long run?”
* “Why does everyone say LeBron’s leaving Cleveland when his contract is up?”
* “Why won’t the Indians fire Eric Wedge?”
* “Why did the Browns pass up Mark Sanchez in order to draft Alex Mack?”

Why, God hates Cleveland sports, of course.

What we’ll be doing in version 2.0 is presenting new material, of course. We’re back at 2006 levels for that, even with the Cavs as one of the NBA’s premier franchises. And we’ll be archiving some of the best posts of GHCS Version 1.0.

A lot has changed since GHCS began. Facebook has exploded. Twitter is growing. Embedded videos have become easier to use. The web has become much more mobile thanks to improvements in cell phones. But there’s one thing that hasn’t changed. Cleveland sports teams still make their fans miserable. Here’s to using all the new social media to share our pain. Hope you come along for the next ride.